Thoughts: LOST

LOST.

It’s the state of your life where you feel like you don’t know what you’re doing, or why you’re doing what you’re doing. As for me, I think it is when you lose passion over something you once so passionate about. It’s when you have to find reasons to continue what you had started.

Being in my final year of studies should make me more certain of my future. But it doesn’t. Another one semester left before I finally bid goodbye to the comfort of the law faculty where I had spent about 3 years at. I feel at lost because I’m still figuring out my direction after all of these ended. If there is one thing that I envy others for, it would be the certainties they have towards their future. I hope to have the same certainties too.

I keep feeling lost in my journey. Perhaps it’s because of the realization that maybe I’m not that good at what I was so sure about. Coming into law school was my own decision. I was blessed that my parent never controlled my life and just let me fly free. But, honestly, I never knew what signing up for law school meant. I feel lost the moment I realized that others could easily pull off what I desperately want to. It’s realizing that I am struggling to keep up with what I want to achieve. So comes the doubting thoughts. “What am I good at? "Is being here a mistake?" "If I couldn’t do these things so easily like how the rest are doing it, is it still meant for me?” I agree, the biggest monster you have to fight is the voice inside your head. It's your personal battle, as it's invisible in other people's eyes.

Yet, I appreciate my journey. The lessons I've learned are countless, in facts, they are not relfected in my CV. Would that matter? No, but it shaped me to be who I am today. I've also met people who inspired me to be better and to work harder. Changes are good and I've been nothing but a changed person, for the better.

“Everyone has a dream. But not everyone is consistent to try to make their dreams come true.” I think this is true. It’s easy to dream, but once you are faced with setbacks, that is the determining factor of whether you will continue to pursue it or to stop. Whenever I am struggling with something, that quote would pop into my mind and pushed me to never give up. 

Most people are not born geniuses. Behind every achievement, there were hours of preparations, practices, and hard works. But gifted people do exist. Be it the friend who has a photographic memory, the person who after reading many articles is able to produce a beautifully written article, and there are others. I guess it is easy to focus on what you desire to be and compare the outcome to what you could've been.

I was born ordinary. To be honest, it’s not something bad. In fact, it’s a comforting truth. I always live my days as if nobody, except for the few close friends and family, would remember me in another 5 years. I am scared of the world’s attention, or rather, expectations. To me, expectations are something that suffocates me, while being free of them is a rather liberating experience.  

In my first year, I was a soul filled with questions and fears. 

"What do I mean to this world?" 

"What value could I add into this world?" 

I always believe my ordinariness would mean that there’s really not much I could contribute to this world. In my second year, I still carried my fears around. This time it’s the moment I realized that my dream might not be so great as my friends. Some of my friends are really into laws. They put their hearts to every theory and they could spend time reading up more about those theories. I admire them so.

But as you grow older, you grow wiser. And wisdom hardly comes without experiences. Lessons I've learned from every fall, the joy I've tasted in some mundane events, and the fire in my heart to one day make that dream come true - all of these, come together and make me calmer and stronger.

Well, at this point, I guess, I am still lost. But it feels different, now. I don't lose myself and my purpose. I know to focus on what really matters and start investing my time and attention in them. Like my family, and what I want to improve. I still have anxiety whenever I am about to attend any tutorial class. But a little bit of fear is necessary. Because it means that I care and I don't want to do badly in it. And that's just life. It had taught me one very crucial thing for every person who is chasing his/her dream - courage.

At first, that feeling of lost caused me sadness. But once I embraced it, it does not feel that bad anymore. Being lost is not knowing what the future will bring you, but is not that how life is? Because you understand that there is no certainty in tomorrow, you start to appreciate the present more. I might not know for sure where I will end up being after I graduated. But I would not forget my purpose. Perhaps, that is the only thing that matters. And to think again, maybe, it actually means that I, too, am certain of my future, just not the road leading to it.